Tuesday, April 6, 2010

EyeWitless News: Obama to Favor Newly Designed Conventional Weapons over Nukes

The Obama administration has negotiated a new arms reduction treaty with Russia that would reduce America's stockpile of nuclear weapons, and has radically changed the decades-old American policy regarding the use of nuclear weapons.

Obama has pledged that the United States will not defend itself with nuclear weapons when attacked by conventional, biological, or chemical weapons. In changing U.S. policy, Obama has revealed America's latest and perhaps most effective technology in deterring America's enemies from attacking.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates is at the forefront of deploying the new technology, which the administration claims will create millions of new jobs as workers across the United States go to work revamping missles, aircraft, and other delivery systems formerly dedicated to carrying nuclear payloads. Gates has even disclosed that significant numbers of the unemployed will be able to work at home assembling the electronic components necessary for the new weapons system.

Gates revealed that the new weapons system will consist of former nuclear warhead delivery systems loaded with mp3 players containing speeches by President Obama, Senator Harry Reid, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and Representative Barney Frank, D-MA. Gates stated that in the event of an imminent attack on the United States, the delivery systems will be used to launch millions of the mp3 players to be dropped over hostile territory.

The administration believes that after listening to the contents of the mp3 players, those planning attacks on the United States will realize that there is nothing left in the United States worth fighting for. Those hostile parties not convinced by the content of the speeches are expected to expire from asphyxiation after rolling around on the ground in convulsive fits of laughter.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov was quoted as angrily demanding that the United States immediately cease plans for the new weapons system, as cruelty towards a civilian population is banned by the Geneva Convention. Lavrov further responded by threatening to retaliate by sending Backfire bombers loaded with borscht to cover the United States.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton responded to Lavrov's comments by threatening to send former president Jimmy Carter to Moscow to monitor Russian elections.

And that's it for the faux news

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